


On my way to you

by SimplyRali



Category: Halt and Catch Fire
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Homecoming, Idiots in Love, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Road Trips, Self-Discovery, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 10:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyRali/pseuds/SimplyRali
Summary: Catherine ‘Cameron’ Howe faces old demons and finds her way back home. In order to move on with her life and start building future for herself, she must first let go of the past.





	On my way to you

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my mother tongue so I apologize in advance if there’re a lot of mistakes. :)

Cameron put the last of her stuff in the box. Her desk was clear now. Two hours ago she and Donna signed the papers and with that officially finalized the end of Phoenix.

The company managed to stay on the market for three years before a Japanese competitor made their survival a lot harder. Trying to stay afloat, the bickering and the fighting between the two women became a lot more frequent than any of them wanted to. The funny thing was that they predicted it 3 years ago. Cameron wanted to diversify and look for different platforms, while Donna on the other hand preferred to take the safe road by trying to improve the customer experience by making better what they already had.

The constant arguing put a visible strain on their friendship. The long hours after work, which they spent in brainstorming and trying to stay alive, became more like a torture than a creative process. So Cam and Donna decided to do the most reasonable thing when they realized that their healed friendship was once again in danger.  

They decided to take a step back and put an end to everything before work drove them apart. The project was what brought them back together and they will be damned if they let it separate them. It was a lot of fun, Cameron couldn't deny that, after Mutiny, Phoenix healed a lot of old wounds and helped straightening the growing trust between the her and Donna. And now they were doing what they had promised themselves at the beginning -  the minute it wasn't fun anymore they would look for an alternative, shut it all down and walk away friends.

Cameron put the last folder into the box in sealed it with tape. Then with exhausted sigh plopped down in her chair, throwing her head back and closing her eyes. A frown appeared between her eyebrows. Another one of her creations was now history.

A soft knock on the door made her look up. A tired looking Donna smiled at her, even she had forgotten the fancy clothes today and stuck to a plain T-shirt and jeans.

“Are you okay?”

“Never better…” Cam ran hands through her face and straightened up in her chair. “You finished packing?”

“A few minutes ago. I was taking a last look around and decided to check on you.”

“I’m ready, too.” Cam nodded at her partner, no her ex-partner.

Donna returned the nod. The two women looked at each other with love and longing. The place held memories, both good and bad, here they had the most fun of their lives. This was hard for both of them, but it was the right thing to do.

The redhead was the first one to break eye contact by shifting her gaze to the two boxes lying on the wooden desk.

“God, isn’t it sad that after all this time, all your stuff can fit into two boxes?” Donna patted one of the boxes and noticed a bright yellow lighter lying on top of the unsealed one. “Jesus, what the hell?”

“What?” Cam crossed arms and leaned her hip on the end of the desk.

Donna pulled out the lighter and raised a perfect, thin eyebrow. 

“That’s a lighter, Donna,” Cameron said matter-of- factly.

The older woman rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I see that.  You started smoking?”

“What? No.” Cam took the tape roll and pulled the box to shut it away.

“Then what’s the lighter for?”

“Stuff…”

“Like?”

“Look, it’s personal, okay? It just… means something to me.” Cameron put the small object back where it belonged and sealed the box with hurried movements.

“Your father?”

“…Yeah. Dad.”

“Okay...” Donna eyed Cam, but said nothing. Instead she turned around and headed for the door. At the threshold she stopped and nodded at Cameron meaningfully. “It’s time.”

“Okay. Let’s do this.” Cam sighed heavily and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. With a few long strides she caught up with Donna, and both women headed toward the main hall.

It was dark outside and the lights in the building weren’t on, except for the ones in Cameron’s and Donna’s offices. They both stood beside each other, their gazes fixed on the wall before them. The gentle neon light illuminated their faces with colors of red, orange and yellow. A big Phoenix spreading his wings and burning bright looked down upon them. It symbolized their rising from the ashes and soaring once more high in the sky.

But a phoenix dies in a show of flames and combustion, when it is at its peak. Cameron thought that fitted well with the situation they were facing right now. They were going to step down while their company hasn’t lost what made it unique and special, and before their friendship would suffer from it. They would let the Phoenix die, so that one day it can be re-born again.

“Hey, Donna,” Cam turned her head to the left and looked at her partner. “I’m glad we did this. It was pleasure working with you again.”

A lovely smile appeared on Donna’s red lips as she met Cam’s gaze with her own. Her olive eyes were were full of unshed tears. “Yeah, it was so much fun. I loved every minute of it.”

Seeing Donna’s expression, Cameron couldn’t help but get emotional herself. The back of her eyes started stinging and she blinked rapidly a few times, not willing to let the tears fall. This was for good, damn it. Cam threw her arms around the redhead and gave her a tight hug, for once she was the one initiating the act of affection. Donna, although shocked for a few seconds, returned it with the same enthusiasm. Her best business partner and her best… friend.

Cameron was the first to break the contact with an awkward laugh, clearing her throat. She was visibly shaken by the intimacy and the affection of the act. She fixed the invisible wrinkles on her t-shirt and put her hands in the back pockets of her ripped jeans.

“Do you want to do the honors?”

“No.” Donna shook her head, letting a few red strands frame her face. “We’ll do it together.”

Extending her hand, Cam put it on the switch, next to Donna’s.

“Ready?”

“Yes.” The older woman held Cam’s gaze for a few moments and nodded.

_Switch off._

With its last flickering lights, the Phoenix took its final breath before disappearing into the night, patiently waiting for its next resurrection.

The women stayed quiet in the dark, staring at the turned off sign. Donna was the first one to speak.

“So… what’s next?”

“…”

“I was thinking that maybe we should turn our attention to social media. Macroview are working on - ”

“Donna.”

“- a new site, that will allow - ”

“Stop.”

“I - What’s wrong?”

“I was thinking that… maybe it’s time for me to take a little break and try to put my life in order,” Cam replied, biting the side of her cheek.

“But… I thought that this is what you wanted. Us. Working together.”

“Yes, I do and we will work again. It’s just… my personal life is a mess. I think I postponed my trip to Miami long enough…” Cam’s gaze fell to her feet, not entirely comfortable with the show of vulnerability. “There’re things I have to do and say…”

“Oh…” Finally understanding filled Donna’s eyes. “That’s good, Cameron. I’m sure your mom would love to see you after all these years.”

“Right… That’s the part I’m worried about. We… didn’t talk much over the years. I’ve said things I’m not proud of and… with time I realized that…” Cam’s eyes became glassy and she shook her head trying to get rid of the memory that popped into her mind. “I just don’t want one day, if something happens, to ask myself "What if" and have regrets about not reaching out.”

“You should do it.”

“I will. But it’s scary as fuck.”

“Yeah, I can imagine that. You’ve seen my mother, just like yours, she can be very… difficult.”

“No shit.”

Both laughed.

“Okay, fine. Let’s get our stuff and head home. Haley’s cooking tonight, you can come if you want to.” Donna said, shrugging.

“No, I’ll start packing my things, I want to leave as soon as possible. You know… rip the band aid as fast as I can.”

“Your loss. Her lasagna is to die for. She definitely inherited Gordon’s skills…”

“Yeah… she’s a lot like him.”

Both smiled at the statement, remembering the person that had an unforgettable impact on everyone’s life.

“Hey, you’re going to come back, right? Here, in SF?”

“I think so. I mean, that’s the plan. I don’t know for how long I’ll be gone, though.”

“Good. Because I’ll wait for you.”

_…I’ll wait for you…_

Warmth spread across Cam’s chest and a genuine smile decorated her lips. Her blue eyes sparkled in the darkness.

“Thank you, Donna.”

* * *

 

 

Cameron unlocked her small apartment, while clumsily balancing her two boxes with one knee and a hand. When the front door opened, she pushed it with her leg, fingers blindly searching for the light switch. The coldness inside that welcomed her, yet again, reminded her, why she spent most nights at the office.

Her place never felt like home. Her furniture was simple, few posters decorated the walls, few books on the shelves… other than that, Cam didn’t have much. Most people had pictures of their families or items that brought back memories and had character. When they crossed the threshold, they felt safe and welcomed. And this apartment… was always just a place to sleep in. She thought about putting some old photos on her bedside table, but soon realized that the pictures she had brought more sadness and longing for the lost happy days than warmth and happiness. They only reminded her what she once had and then lost  – her dad, her mother, Mutiny, Tom, Gordon, …Joe. She couldn’t even display the photo she had with Donna, just when they moved Mutiny to SF, both smiling and proud. Not because they hadn’t re-build what was lost, but because it reminded her too much of her first and most special company, her first baby… and what followed after.

Cameron took off her sneakers and barefooted headed towards the fridge. Opening it and taking a look, she found nothing besides a couple of eggs and a Chinese takeout from two nights ago. It couldn’t be that bad, could it? Does rice get bad? Seeing her limited options, or rather the lack of them, she was willing to take her chances. Grabbing a spoon (don’t judge!) from the counter top and the old meal she sat on the small square table in the center of her kitchen.

That was the depressing part of her evenings. Eating alone, not really able to share with someone about her day or what was on her mind, or, like in this case, what tormented her. She put an end of something she was proud of for good, but still it left an emptiness inside her. Lost in thoughts, Cam remembered all too well her nights with Tom when they would get home after work and would tell each other everything about their day – how was the weather, the new shitass colleague, projects they were excited about. It was the same with Joe, too. He’d share everything about his and Gordon’s plans for Comet, or what impressed him in some book and give her recommendations. She’d tell him about her games or give him her opinion on ideas. It was so good to actually talk with someone. She missed that. Granted she had spent a lot of evenings with the Clark girls and Donna since the launch of Phoenix, but soon she started to feel like an intruder. She knew they liked her, and she liked them, but it didn’t feel right. It reminded her way too much of the old days when she lived with the Clarks and it only complicated things. Cameron didn’t want to join someone else’s home, she wanted to find/create her own.

And she tried a few times over the years, only to fail miserably. She bought a house in San Francisco for her and Tom after she got married, hoping that this will turn into her safe place, but soon enough they left for Tokyo. Her days in Japan felt like one big dream, she had felt more lost and scared there. And when she came back and started dating Joe, she saw that beautiful piece of land… and let her mind go places. Cameron had allowed herself to dream. She saw her future there with Joe, her home, no, their home. If only things were different and she…

Cam squeezed tightly her eyes, not willing to let her thoughts go back there. She could do nothing about it. It was done. Past.

One thing she could change, though. Cameron wanted to fix her relationship with her mom. She was old and mature enough to realize that her broken relationship with her family affected a big part of her life, whether she liked it or not. With time Cam saw that some of the decisions her mother made were very similar to her own, that still didn’t meant she agreed with them. But it showed that they weren’t so different after all. Maybe they would find common ground. Something to give Cam the much wanted peace of mind, so she could start building her personal life from there and start anew. It was time to stop hiding behind work, the only thing she was good at and was confident about, where everything was perfect and she could control it.

Maybe she should give her and Len a call, before showing uninvited at their doorstep. Ugh. Getting up from the chair, she collected all of her food remains and dumped them into the trash can. Cameron grabbed the phone, sat at the end of her sofa and stared at the device in her sweaty hand. Taking a deep breath she dialed the numbers and waited with bated breath.       

“Hello, Len speaking.”

“Hi, uhm. It’s me, Cameron.”

“Oh… Hello, is something wrong?”             

“What? No, no. I, ah… just wanted to talk with mom… Is she there?” Cam asked nervously biting the side of her thumb.

“Yes, she is. I’m sorry for my reaction. You don’t call very often, so I assumed the worst right away. Hold on for a minute, she must be in the other room, I’ll go get her.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Cam waited on the line, her eyes scanning blindly her living room. She could hear him distantly calling her mother and bit her lower lip. “Jane, darling, Cameron’s on the phone!”

Unaudible whispering on the other end of the line made her frown, her stomach dropped and her chest became heavy with nervousness. After a few shifting and moving noises, she finally heard her mom’s voice.

“Catherine?” She still called her by her birth name.

 “Hello, mom.”

“Hello, dear. I’m so happy you called. How have you been? How’s work?” Her last question made Cam wince.

“I’m good, everything is… good.” Taking a deep breath, the younger woman continued, “Hey, um, I was thinking of visiting Miami… You know, to swing by, see how you’re doing… ”

“Oh…”

“I mean, if you’re cool with it.”

“Y-yes. Yes, of course. That would be wonderful, honey! I’m very glad you decided to come and visit. It’s been so long since I last saw you.”

“Yeah… It’s been a while.”

“When are you coming, Cat?”

“Ah, in a few days, I guess. I’ll travel with car, so…”

“Okay. That’s great news. I can’t wait to see you, dear… I miss you.”

“… I miss you, too, mom.”

    

* * *

 

Later that night Cam was staring at the almost empty shelves of her wardrobe. An empty travel sack lay on the floor next to her feet. Sighing softly, she shook her head. It was sad, really. Her planned packing for the road wasn’t going to take her more than two minutes.

All her clothes took exactly two rafts. She owned a few pairs of jeans, few shirts and two-three pieces of clothing that was supposed to make her look presentable at business parties or dinners, the ones that Donna liked so much to throw at her house.

Well, she could forget about the formal clothes, she wouldn’t be needing those for the trip. Cam grabbed two pairs of jeans, one faded and ripped, the other one whole without any holes in it, and put them in the bag. Scanning through her t-shirts and tops, she picked five or six pieces and they joined the pile in the sack. Underwear. Socks. Her sneakers. Toiletries. And that was all.

She was done.

Opening her wardrobe one more time, just to make sure she got everything she needed, Cameron let her eyes roam from top to bottom. Down, at the right bottom corner, she saw a carton box peaking under the clothes.

She knew what was inside. Memories. Her heart didn’t let her open it for a very long time. Joe’s stuff were buried there, hidden from her sight and yet unbelievably close to her, she just had to reach out. Swallowing thickly, she let a crazy thought run through her mind. What if… That box, could be the perfect excuse to…

**No.**

Things were way too awkward between them, they grew apart so much in the last three years. Their only form of communication was a few short e-mails around holidays, containing pleasantries and small talk, hollow lines. Just like strangers. If she showed in front of his apartment bringing a box of their past life, it would be way too weird. She’d seem desperate… Which she wasn’t.

Cam closed the wooden door with a more force than needed and leaned back against the wardrobe. Leaving the carton box locked inside.

**Out of sight, out of mind.**

* * *

 

                   

Cameron smiled at the old man in front of her. His beard now was completely white and more bushy than ever. The years deepened the lines around Bos’s eyes, but never managed to dim down the spark in them. Thin lips stretched, in the middle of the nest of hair, to reveal a bright smile. These days the two of them joked that with time he was slowly turning into a starved version of Santa Clause.

The couple stood in the well-known garage of his and Diane’s house, or as he liked to call it – his bachelor’s hideout. A soft rhythmic music was filling the quiet room, to which he occasionally tapped his feet to and sang along. Calloused fingers worked their magic and by twisting and pulling the old man created all sorts of fishing baits, all while talking with Cameron.              

“So, darlin’, you’re hitting the road again?” Bos asked, looking at Cam over the brim of his glasses.

“Again?” Cameron laughed and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you mean my half-ass attempt to run away from the whole situation three years ago?”

“Is that what that was? And here I thought you were with good intentions back then.”

“I was. But leaving then, meant that Phoenix probably would have never happened.”

“Ahh, yeah. Heh! The queens of the jungle!” Bos raised his hands and burst into laughter. “Speaking of… how are you and Donna doing?”

“Great,” Cam nodded, staring at her feet, smiling tenderly. “We did what we promised each other. We stopped when it wasn’t fun anymore and walked away friends. No games, no lies, no bullshit. Just us, for once we were completely honest.”

“Will you two work together again?”

“You can bet your ass!”

“I’m glad to hear this, sweetheart. There’s an amazing chemistry between you two.”

“Whoa, Bos. I get that you want another daughter in law, but she’s not my type at all,” Cam laughed, faking a shocked expression.

“Very funny. You know what I mean. You fit. There are people out there who look their whole for someone who gets them- their ideas and vision. What you have is special… and it has nothing to do with romance. Or maybe it does, she’s your work wife.”

“Pfft. _Work wife_. She’d love that.” Cameron her head and imagined Donna’s frown if she blurted out the term in front of her.

“… besides we know you like them dangerous.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Not true at all.”

“Mhmmm…”

“If you mean Joe - ”

“Not only him. What was the name of the last guy, hmm? Mark, Matt?”

“Mike.”

Bos waved with hand, completely dismissing her. “Sure. Was he part of a rock band or something?”

“He owned a bar downtown.”

“Oh, right, right. Friendly fella, with all of his leather and tattooes…”

“Hey! Okay, I get it. But that’s a crappy example. It was a fling, nothing serious. It proves absolutely nothing… Besides I was married to a very nice safe guy.”

“Hey, good old Tommy boy. Sure, sure, cause that story ended well.”

“It did end well. We still talk from time to time.”

“And I’m proud of you for that one, honey… Look, all I’m saying is, you like the thrill, you seek consciously and unconsciously strong emotions, something to rock your world. Joe did that. The problem was that Joe is older and he got tired of running in this race without a win. He wanted to settle down, have a family and call it a day… You weren’t ready to be put in a cage just yet.”

“Bos…”

 “Don’t ‘Bos’ me, I know what it cost you to draw the line and put yourself first, fully aware of what you might lose.”

“… What if I’m ready now, but it’s too late?”

“Are we talking about Joe or in general?”

Cam exhaled loudly with frustration and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…”

“Hmmm…”

“What?”

“You can always change your course on the way back and travel a little further to the north.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“…It’s complicated, Bos.”

“Do you want him in your life, darlin’?”

“Of course, I do. I miss him. I miss talking to him.”

“Then go. If you can save what was lost, great. If not, at least fight for his friendship.”

“I don’t think we were ever friends. Confidants, yes, but never friends.”

“I’m not saying it won’t hurt. But relationships can evolve with time and it’s time to ask yourself what you want. And if you are willing to accept him back in your life in any form you can get him.”

“Oh, god…” Cam eyes became glassy and she blinked a few times to clear her vision. “I really can’t not think about that now. First I have to face my mom. One problem at a time. You know that’s how my software works.”

**_“Recursion.”_ **

**_“Exactly.”_ **

 

* * *

****

_Cameron was in a crispy pink-and-white dress with scratchy lace around her neck. The dress was special, her mother had sewn it for special occasions like this. Her long brown hair was up in a sophisticated bun, just a few strands framing her face. Heavy make-up framed her big round blue eyes and pink tint decorated her pouty lips, like she just kissed cotton candy. There was so much blush on her cheeks that she resembled more a mini-clown than someone her age. She couldn’t have been more than ten at the time._

_She swung her tiny shiny leather shoes back and forth, impatient to go home and forget this ever happened. She hated being here, competing with others about something so superficial, something without any value. She didn’t understand why her mother would put her through this hell, especially after her dad died. Why would she want her daughter to suffer like this?_

_She and her mother sat outside the salon where the next age-group just entered. They would have to wait two more hours before the results were ready…_

_Nightmare._

_Cam just wanted to get away from these strangers and hide under the covers of her bed._

_“Mom, can we go home now?” Little Catherine looked at her mother’s face with hope. The older woman didn’t even give her a look, instead she was going through the stuff in one of the three bags, she came with, clearly looking for something._

_“Don’t be ridiculous, Cat. We’ll have to wait for the results and the award ceremony.”_

_“But I’ll lose again… Like every other time.”_

_“No, you won’t.”_

_“How do you know? I always lose! I don’t want to be here!”_

_“Catherine Howe, you will win! You are lovely, beautiful and very special!”_

_Cameron was about to reply to her stubborn mother with something snarky, when a photographer approach them._

_“Hello there, sweety! Can I take a photo of you and your beautiful mom for the magazine?”_

_Before Cam could reply her mother pulled her by the hand and made her take the well-practiced pose._

_“Of course, you can take a photo of us! Come on, baby, give the good man your brightest smile. This is my beautiful daughter Kitty-Cat! Isn’t she amazing?!”_

_The flash blinded the little girl and she said under her breath, “I wish you wouldn’t do that, telling everybody I’m your daughter.”_

_Jane Howe paused and looked sternly at her daughter._

_“Are you ashamed that I’m your mother?”_

_Catherine looked down and nervously pulled the edge of her short dress. “It’s not that, it’s just so obvious. It’s so embarrassing.”_

_“So you’re embarrassed to be my daughter?!” Jane raised her voice, which made the little girl to get immediately into defensive mode._

_“That’s not what I said!”_

_“It sure sounded like it! I don’t understand why you have to be so damn difficult all the time! THIS is for you!”_

_Cameron knew it was a mistake to say anything more, but before she could stop herself, she heard her voice speaking._

_“For me?! I don’t even want to be here! I hate how people look at me like an animal at exhibition! I don’t like strangers! I don’t like your stupid dresses, they itch! I don’t like to sing and dance! I don’t like to put on make-up! I don’t like YOU! I want to go home! I just want my daddy back!” Cam was openly crying and screaming at her mother, making a scene in the hall, even a few heads turned to watch the show._

_“Catherine…”_

_“Why do you have to use me to show off? If you want to show off, then you get on that awful stage! They can call you special, you can be in the spotlight! I hate it out there, dad would’ve never made me do something like this!”_

_Cameron jerked her hand out of her mothers and spun around, knocking into a group of people. Muttering a quick ‘sorry’ to no one in particular, she took off again without looking back, dashing between people. In the distance she could hear her mother screaming after her, “Cat! Catherine! Come back!”_

_Cam ran until her legs hurt, only to realize she had nowhere to go. The place the beauty pageant took place was an hour away from home. There was no way, she could walk that far all alone. All the running was for nothing. So she went to the parking lot, found their car and climbed at the back seat. Out of breath, her hair a mess and a plastered frown on her face, she waited for Jane to come._

_Soon she saw her mother approaching into the rear-view mirror, bags on her shoulders. Her eyes were sad, lips pressed into a thin line. Opening the car door, the older woman got inside and started the engine. She had no words for her daughter, just a sharp silence, which continued all the way to home._

_Once they arrived, Cam walked into her room, closed the door, and laid down on her bed. The room was dark, the ceiling filled with shadows from the street lights right in front of their house._

_In her head, Catherine Howe let herself imagine a different life. One, in which her dad was still around, she got along with her mom and everyone was happy. Tears ran down her cheeks, smearing mascara and eye liner in dark lines across her face. She squeezed tightly her eyes, willing the picture before them to become reality once more. Only if she could turn back the time… Her dad would take her for ride on his special motorcycle, put his helmet on her head and kiss her on the forehead. She would spread her hands while he drove and pretend she was able to fly. His deep laughter would fill her ears and she’d feel safe and protected, ready to take the world._

_While the images played behind her eyes, Cam felt herself growing light. She rose up into the air and flew out the window. Higher and higher, over the tops of tiled roofs, where she was gathered up by the wind and pushed up toward the night sky. Everything bellow her disappeared, she found herself in the dream land, where everything was possible and where she didn’t hurt._

_Two weeks after that accident, her mother’s drinking problems began._

 

Cameron woke up with a start. Her dream left her trembling and drenched in cold sweat. The sun was just beginning to show on the horizon, chasing the shadow of the night away. Turning her head to the side, she looked at the clock on the bedside table. Six o’clock. She actually woke before her alarm, which never happened. Her trip was messing with her head. Maybe meeting her mother again was going to be scarier than she thought.

Rising from the bed with a heavy sigh, she planted her feet on the hard cold floor. Staring for a few seconds into the nothingness, she tried to calm down her still pounding heart. Finally, she collected herself and headed to the shower, ready to wash away once and for all what lay heavy on her chest.

Exactly one hour later, she got into the driver’s seat of her jeep and turned the key. The engine roared and she began her trip to the past. Trees and buildings blended into a giant blur, while she was passing by. A long road was ahead of her, giving her enough time to muster up the courage she needed to face the old ghosts of her past. Cameron smiled to herself, listening to the song that was blasting on the radio. She couldn’t help but find it fitting.

**No stop signs, Speed limit**

**Nobody's gonna slow me down.**

**Like a wheel gonna spin it.**

**Nobody's gonna mess me around.**

**Hey, Satan, payin' my dues**

**Playin' in a rockin' band.**

**Hey, mamma, look at me,**

**I'm on the way to the promised land…**

**I'm on the highway to hell!**

**Highway to hell!**

**I'm on the highway to hell!**

**Highway to hell!**

**Don't stop me!**

**I'm on the highway to hell!**

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later Cam parked her jeep in front of a big house. It was late afternoon and it was almost dark outside, the last orange-red light illuminated the building before her eyes, making it seem like a cut-out picture from a magazine. It was a very nice house, flowers decorated the garden near the front door, warm breeze moved the leaves of a tree that cast shadows on the right side of the house. The building had character. It looked… inviting, like a home would feel. 

This was her first time here, so Cameron had to double check the address. Nope, no mistake. Her final destination was in front of her, yet she couldn’t bring herself to leave the car. Putting her forehead on the driving wheel, Cam eyes and breathed slowly in and then breathed out.

She got this, she could do it. Cameron had to do this for her own good, to be able to move on completely with her life. Even if for a long time she didn’t want to admit it, she had issues of commitment and honesty, issues whose core was hiding behind that front door. She was willing to work on them, she was willing to reach out and try to reconnect with her mother. In her mid-30s Cameron was finally ready to move on and … forgive.

What was the worst that could happen? If they repaired what was broken for a long time, it would be great. If not, they would be continuing their co-existence of acknowledging the other one’s presence, but not really being part of each other's life. Okay, logic worked for calming her nerves. She could only win from the situation. If nothing came out of it, at least she’d be with clear conscience that she had tried her best, and won’t be wondering ‘what if’ for the rest of her life. Just like she wondered about her life if she had decided to stay with…

Whatever.

One step at a time.

Opening the door, she threw her bag over her shoulder and got out of the car. In her last steps to the wooden front door, she felt her knees wobble a little, her vision a little foggy.  Raising a hand, almost mechanically, she knocked three times on the wooden surface and waited. The only sound filling her head was the loud thundering of her heart. She waited for a few seconds, which seemed like an eternity, until she heard noise on the other side – quick footsteps and shuffling noises.

Cam heard the door unlocking and soon it revealed an older woman, in her late 60s. She was a head shorter than Cameron, her eyes - green. Her once brown mid-waist long hair, has now lost its shining and was cut to her shoulders, the brown color was almost completely gone, lost between strands of silver and white. Cam never resembled much her mother, she got her dad’s looks – tall and blue-eyed. The only thing she inherited from her mother’s genes was probably her hair and she actively tried to cover and change it her entire life. But now seeing the older woman, Cameron had to admit it stung a little to see the last piece of their resemblance fade away, just like their relationship had with time.

Jane smiled brightly at the sight of her daughter, the happiness erasing a few years of her face.

“Catherine!”

“Hi, mom.”

“Oh, my god! Look at you. I swear last time I saw you, you were shorter. You look so beautiful honey!” The older woman wrapped Cam in a light embrace, as if scared to hug her. There was a strange note in her voice that somehow reassured Cameron, her mother was nervous, too. 

“Thanks, I guess.”

Jane pulled away and started playing with her hands nervously, and her eyes grew bigger. Both were habits that Cam had developed over time. 

“Where are my manners? Come inside! Come!” Stepping back, she made room for her daughter to get further into the house. “How was the drive?”

“Good. Long, but… good. I made a few stops here and there, you know, sightseeing. That’s why it took me so long to arrive.”

“That’s wonderful. You always loved travelling…”

“…Yeah.”

An awkward silence filled the room, both women just staring at each other, not realizing how mirrored their movement were. They were more similar than either of both was willing to admit. Cameron cleared her throat and was the first to speak.

“Is Len around?”

“Oh, um, no. He left.”

“You two having problems?”

“What? No, no. That sounded bad. No, he just left for a few weeks, some work in Texas… He also thought it might be a good idea to leave us alone for a little while. You know, a little girl time.” Jane’s eyes nervously bounced around the room, not meeting Cameron’s.

“Oh… okay.” Cam eyed her mom from head to toe, and then nodded with a small smile. “I like that.”

“You do?”

“Of course. It would give us more time to talk.”

“Yes. Oh, Cat, there is so much I want to hear from you. There’s a lot of catching up to do.”

Maybe all of this wasn’t going to be as hard as Cameron thought it would be. Sure, the history between the two of them still lay heavy in the air, preventing either one of them to completely open up just yet. But seeing her mother and her willingness to meet her halfway gave Cam hope that everything was going to be okay.

“Yes, we do have a lot to talk about, mom.”

The older woman returned the smile that decorated Cam’s lips. Then spun around and motioned towards, what Cameron assumed was the kitchen, “You must be starving. Look at you, all skin and bones. There’ll be time for everything, but first you gotta eat something, Cat. You probably remember that my cooking was awful. Haha. So, I decided to play it safe tonight with some pizza and orange sodas. How does that sound, hmm?”

“Amazing, mom… Absolutely perfect.”

* * *

 

 

Later that night, after a lot of chatting about everything and nothing, Jane excused herself and went to take a shower. Cam took the time to finally unpack and take a closer look at her mother’s new home.

The living room was decorated with vases with flowers, probably from the garden outside. The colors on the walls were warm and inviting. Books filled the shelves, pictures hung on the walls, blankets and pillows were on the couch, a little bowl with candies and sweet treats lay on the coffee table. Cameron used the term ‘home’, but just now it hit her how true it sounded and felt. This wasn’t just a house, a roof over their heads, Jane and Len managed to turn it into a home, a safe place. And that’s what Cam wanted for herself one day.

Going through the items, she stopped in front of one of the shelves. The flat surface was filled with framed photos – Jane smiling brightly in the arms of Len, both sitting on a blanket somewhere outdoors; Len with a stain of oil on his cheek fixing something under the hood of his car; her mom picking flowers from the garden; an old photo of Len’s son graduating high school… What made her heart stop were the next few photos. In one of them her dad was smiling back at the camera in his uniform, the other two were of her – one from that one time she won the damn beauty pageant and became ‘Little Miss Flawless’ and the other one, she recognized, was one she sent from Japan. It was a photo of her and Tom when they just moved in their new apartment.

Realization hit her and her stomach dropped. Her mother kept her in her life, savoring any piece that Cam was willing to share. Probably waiting for her daughter to find the strength to forgive her. Going quickly through her memories, Cameron realized that it was always her mother or Len that reached out first, giving a simple phone call to check on her, sending cards for holidays.

The gap between them was because of Cameron. Her stubbornness and unwillingness to face her demons, stopped her from seeing over the high walls she build around herself. So determined to protect her inner world and comfort, Cam hadn’t realized she locked everyone outside and had not let them in.

The woman she spent the evening with, had nothing to do with the desperate sad woman from years ago that found solace in the bottle. Len told her multiple times she got better, that she had been cured for a very long time. But it wasn’t easy for Cam to delete the image of her mom angrily screaming at her and swinging with her hand to hit her. And yet… she was changed, she become a better person, because of Len, because someone was there to support her and bring her out of the darkness… and that someone wasn’t Cameron. All the lost moments and missed opportunities between them…

But Cameron was here now.

And since one cannot turn back the time, ‘now’ was all that mattered.           

* * *

 

             

Three weeks passed in reconnecting and sharing. The mother-daughter duo talked freely now, joking. They found out they had similar tastes in music and literature, both were awful cooks and both LOVED long baths.

The last night before leaving they decided to eat dinner in the garden outside. The evening was warm and light breeze gently blew the strands of hair around their faces. Both were sipping white wine and enjoyed the quiet evening.

“I wish you could stay longer,” Jane said with a pout on her lips.

“Mom, I’ve been here almost a month,” Cam laughed and took another bite from the now cold spaghetti.

“I know, but still… don’t you want to stay here with us?”

“I… still have things I have to do in San Francisco.”

“Oh… Work?”

“Ah, that too. I’ve given myself a long enough break. I’m starting to miss the sound of the keyboard…”

“I understand, Cat… “, The older woman swirled the wine in her glass and put it back on the table, not taking a sip. “I am grateful for your coming here. For giving me a second chance to prove myself...”

Cameron shook her head, “Mom, don’t. I'm not without blame myself.”

“No, let me finish, dear. You were a child at the time and I should have known better… I know you've resented me since you were little and resented everyone else in the world, because you've had enough suffering ... but sweetheart, it isn't only you who's suffered."

"I understand that now."

“I loved your father very much and the fate cruelly torn him away from me. I’ve build my whole world around him and you. I was in pain, Catherine. I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I know you thought I hated you, but a mother can never hate her own flesh and blood. When you marry again, and have children one day, you'll understand a mother's suffering..."

“Yeah, about that one… I’m not sure I want kids.”

“What? Why not?”

“I don’t feel ready to be responsible for their future. I know myself, I’m selfish and egocentric, I will only hurt them even if I love them.”

"You're blaming me, Catherine," Jane said painfully. “I know that you are a very loving person and if one day you do have kids you’d put the whole damn world at their feet. And I know you won’t be making the same mistakes that I did, precisely because you know how they can hurt others.”

“No, I’m not blaming anyone. I know it wasn’t easy for you during all those years… I understand. I don’t agree with the way you handled things, but you did what you did and there’s no turning back. But the reason for it all… I understand.”

“So, Cat, can we start afresh?”

“I thought we already did.”

Jane visibly relaxed and smiled at her. “I’m glad to hear that.” Reaching for her pack of cigarettes, she took one between her fingers.

“Do you have a lighter? I think I left mine inside.”

“Sure.” Cameron dug into the pocket of her jeans and pulled a bright yellow lighter, handing it to her mother. The older woman took it, lit her cigarette and inspected the yellow object.

“S Printer?”

“It’s actually Sprinter.”

“That sounds stupid.” Jane handed back the lighter, laughing at the ridiculous name.

“Yes, it does.”

“So… why are you in such a rush to get back to San Francisco? Is there anyone special waiting?”

Cameron frowned at the question and fixed her gaze on the lit candle on the table.

“No… There used to be, but he’s away now.”

“The Joe guy, you told me about?”

“Yeah…”

“Honey- ”

“I know, I know. I should stop living in the past and move on. But it’s not that easy for me…How can you forget someone that gave you so much to remember?”

“Do you two still talk?”

“I… no. Not like we used to. We sent a few awkward emails and that was it. All I know is his address and that he’s a teacher now.”

“Then go see him.”

“No, that’s horrible idea.”

“Is it? You just said you missed him. Go and win him back in your life.”

“I do miss him. But… I’m afraid.”

“Of what? Cat, you'll never know until you try.”

“Of that he might have moved on. That I’m just a memory for him now. What if he found somebody new, or worse, what if he created a family of his own and has kids. I'm not ready to face that, I can’t see him happy with someone else, having everything he offered me first.”

“He wanted a family with you.”

“Yes.”

“And you weren’t ready.”

“Yes.”

“Are you ready now?”

“No, I don’t think so… but I’m willing to start trying. Ughh. I don’t know what I’m talking about. All I know is he was the first man I let myself imagine my future with. He made me dream again, he made me feel safe.”

“You’re still in love with him.”

“…Yes.”

“Then go and knock on his goddamn door. What’s the worst that can happen? Even if he moved on, he’ll see that you care. You might win a friend back. Having him in any way is better than not having him at all in your life, right?”

“…”

“Do whatever your heart tells you, Catherine. Sometimes the decisions that it takes for you are not the most logical ones, but they are life changing. Your brain is brilliant, genius, but turn it off from time to time and follow your emotions. Let yourself feel. Love and be loved. Jump into the deep without a safety net. Yes, there is a chance you might fall down, but what if you spread your wings and fly. Who knows, maybe he’s just waiting, like me, for you to be ready.”

…

“Mom?”

“Yes, Cat?”

“Thank you.”

* * *

 

 

The next morning Cameron woke up early. Her bags were ready, she put everything at the trunk of her jeep last night, just to make sure she won’t forget anything. Jane gave her a few things of her dad that she had saved and thought that one day Cameron might want. The older woman also gave her two old albums, containing mainly black-and-white photos of little Catherine Howe and the family they’ve once had. Surprisingly, the captured moments no longer brought dread to her heart, but now were beautiful memories, she had no doubt she would come back to in the future. 

Walking down the stairs she saw her mom waiting at the kitchen table, sipping from a steaming mug of coffee.

“Good morning.” Cameron greeted and poured some of the black liquid for herself.

“Morning. I’ve made pancakes, if you want…”

“No, thanks. I’ll hit the road as soon as possible.”

“Wow, you really can’t wait to get out of here.” Jane gave her daughter a fake shocked expression, placing a hand on her chest.

“Oh, come on. You know that’s not it.” Cam sat at the empty chair, facing her mother.

“You are not going straight to San Francisco, are you?”

“No, I am not.”

A knowing smile pulled the edges of Jane’s lips, but she quickly hid it behind her mug.

“Good.”

Some might say that Jane Howe was a horrible mother for pushing her daughter down a road she already knew how would end, for making her repeat the same mistakes over and over again. But Jane Howe knew all about heartbreak and knew how hard it was to move on from the past, when all you ever wanted was there. You see, Jane felt so much and so strongly, and Catherine was just like her - with a big heart. If anything, this last trip of her daughter would bring her the so wanted closure that she never got. With the passing years Jane learned one thing, it was never too late to fix things, you’ve lost a person only when he’s completely gone, dead, only then you’ve lost all hope.

Jane took another sip from the mug and watched as her daughter turned the pages of the newspaper that lay on the table.

People change. And who the hell says, you can’t go down the same road again and again? You are never the same person as the first time you walked on it. And every time, you approach that path, you get the chance to take it in an entirely new way.

* * *

 

 

Cameron was driving for a few hours, before her stomach started rumbling. She should have eaten something before leaving Miami. And as if on cue she saw a diner on the right side of the road. Cam pulled over, grabbed her purse and got out of the car.  A big neon sign caught her attention ‘The GIANT box’. You’ve got to be kidding?! Amused laughter escaped from her lips before she could stop herself. The fate either had found a way to show her she was on the right track or just spat in her face.

The parking lot was empty besides one other car. Opening the glass door Cam heard the jingle of the bell over her head, singnalizing her arrival. She took a look around and found out that all tables were empty.

“Oh, hello, dear! I’ll be right there with you!”

Cameron spun around and saw a short woman, maybe in her mid-70s, just coming out of the kitchen area.

“Um, sure. Are you, guys, working? Cause if you’re not, I can - ”

“Oh, we are, we are. Take a seat.”

Cameron sat in one of the booths and reached for the menu, quickly scanning the content.

The lady came to her and plopped with a heavy sigh on the seat in front of her.

“Sorry, dear, my knees are killing me. With years everything starts to creak, even the places you had no idea can creak.” She laughed whole-heartedly at her own joke. “Anyway, I’m Elizabeth, but everyone around call me Old Betty.”

“Hello. Um, I was a little surprised to see the diner so empty…”

“That’s because it’s still 10 o’clock. Give it two hours and all truck drivers will come for a piece of my cherry pie.”

“It’s that good, huh?”

“The best, sweetheart!”

“Okay, I’ll try it then. You can add a soda with it.”

“Sure thing!”

A few minutes later Cameron had a juicy piece of pie in front of her and a smiling Betty beaming at her.

“So, dear, where are you headed?”

“… New York.”, Cam answered and dug in her pie.

“Work?” Betty raised an eyebrow.

“No… Visiting an old… friend.”

“Riiiight... So, what’s his name?”

“Joseph.”

“Ahhh, tell me more about him. I love love stories!”

“I’ve never said-”

Betty waved with her hand dismissively. “You didn’t have to! The small pauses you make when you talk and the look in your eyes tell me all I need to know.”

“Well, it’s complicated…”

“Dear, it always is. If it’s not complicated, then it’s not love at all. Trust me, I’ve seen it all. Let me tell you something, I and my old man, Barry, we’ve been together for twenty five years. Whoo, girl, it was a wild ride at the beginning. We fought constantly, we broke up like a gazillion times and made-up twice as much. If anything all the fights made us stronger. And you know what? I wouldn’t change my man for anything in the world! I’d pick him again and again.  Even if I know what an asshole he is! Haha! But he’s my asshole.”

Cameron watched the old woman’s face lit up when she talked about her husband. And she couldn’t stop the smile spreading on her face. She admired the love Betty had for Barry, it made her chest fill with warmth, it gave her hope.

“Listen, sweety, whatever you’re two going through it will pass. If he is the one, destiny will bring you back together. Hell, destiny kept bringing Barry back even though I threw his dumb ass out of the house more than I can count. You see, my mama, be her soul at peace, always told me that invisible thread connects those who are destined to be together, regardless of time, place and circumstances. The thread might stretch and tangle, but it will never break. And my mama was a wise woman.”

“What if the thread has already been broken?”

“Broken?!  Darling, I think it’s still intact, if it keeps pulling at your heart like that.”

* * *

 

         

Closing the glass door behind her, Cameron saw a couple of trucks pull over and smiled. Old Betty was right. The cherry pie was exceptional. She almost made it to her car, when she noticed the payphone nearby. Digging the keys out of her back pocket Cameron stopped before opening the door. Biting her full lower lip, she took a second glance at the phone booth. Maybe giving him a call before showing unexpected at his front door wouldn’t hurt? If she was in his place, she’d appreciate a heads-up.

Dialing the number from the piece of paper Haley gave her, Cam bit the side of her thumb and waited. She heard the signal four times, before his voice came through the phone.

“Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Joe Macmillan. I’m currently away. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a short message after the beep, and I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I’m available.” _Beep._     

“Oh, hi, Joe. It’s me, umm, Cameron. I’ll be in New York soon, ugh, I was for a while in Florida and decided to travel around a little. So, I’ll be staying at… ah, I still don’t know where. Anyway, I’ll be in town and I was wondering if we can meet… Um, okay… Bye.”

Cameron cut off the call and wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans. Sighing, she turned around and headed back to her jeep. Cam still had a lot of miles to go before reaching her final destination.

* * *

 

  

Looking at the door number in front of her, she double-triple checked it with the one on the piece of paper in her hand. That was it. No mistake. A-16. He lived in a nice apartment complex, on her way in the corridor she saw a family going out. It seemed so… normal and peaceful.

She swallowed thickly and lifted her hand to knock. Cameron had the feeling that the three knocking sounds she made sliced through the deafening silence. The moment she knocked, she regretted the act. What if someone else opened the door for him? What if he had family? Maybe he wasn’t home and she should just turn around and leave? What the hell was she thinking coming here? If he still wanted her in his life, he should have at least called a few times in the last three years, right? God, she was an idiot.

Suddenly, the door opened. Joe stood in front of her, clean shaven, with a loose white t-shirt, sweat pants and barefooted. He had a pair of glasses at the bridge of his nose and his hair was disheveled. God, he looked good. When he saw who stood in front of him, his eyes grew big and total surprise washed over his face.

“Cameron?”

“Hello, Joe.”

He blinked a couple of times and opened his mouth like a fish, without actually saying anything. Then his eyes crinkled at the corners and then the most genuine breath-taking smile appeared on his face. “Hello.” Stepping aside, he made room for her to enter, “What a surprise! Please, come in.”

Taking a step inside she quickly looked around and asked “I’m not interrupting anything, am I? Are you with someone?” Cameron wondered if Joe caught up the double meaning of the simple question.

“No. No, Cam, I’m alone.”

“Oh…”

“I was just going through some papers and didn’t expect visitors. Much less someone that I hadn’t seen for years… It is a wonderful surprise. It’s great to see you again.”

“Didn’t you get my massage? I called, but your voicemail answered…”

“Hmm? You’ve probably called at the office. But with the spring break …”

“Oh, I didn’t know. That was the only number Haley gave me, so…”

“It’s alright… I’m glad you’re here.” Joe smiled gently at her and motioned for her to take a seat at the sofa. He sat in front of her in one of the chairs and poured them a glass of red wine. Handing her the glass, they brushed their fingers, an act that Cameron hadn’t failed to catch.

None of them knew how to continue the conversation, so a few minutes pause came, in which they just stared at the other person and inspected how the years apart changed them.

“You look good, Joe.” Cameron remarked and truly meant it.

“So do you.” The gentle look in his eyes showed his sincerity. “I’m glad you’re doing well. I heard about Phoenix and…”

“You did?” Cam was surprised he kept up with the changes in her life.

“Yeah, Haley said you and Donna ended it.”

Nodding Cam looked down at her glass. “It was for the better. Things were beginning to… Never mind.”

It was Joe’s turn to nod. He understood perfectly well what she had meant. Some fights just couldn’t be won, no matter how hard you fought.

“… So what have you been up to these days?” he asked, wanting to lighten up the mood between them.

“I was with my mom, in Miami.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows in a gesture that spoke ‘look at me, you didn’t expect that, did you?’

“Really?” Joe laughed at her, she clearly was proud of herself and had every right to be. “And how was it?”

Cameron paused for a second, searching for the right word.

“…Healing.”

“Good. I’m happy you reconnected with her, Cam. It’s good to hear you put your differences aside and moved on. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“So… have you found someone?”

Joe asked and swirled the red liquid in the glass, not meeting her eyes. Cameron lifted her gaze, searching for something in his eyes, anything, but he hid them away. That’s when she realized he cared. Joe Macmillan never hid his eyes, he faced everyone with proudly lifted head. Unless, he cared and loved, that’s when he was vulnerable, afraid he might get hurt.

That was the sign she needed.

There’s still hope to rekindle the spark.

“No, Joe. There’s no one.” _There is no one like you._

* * *

 

Joe finally lifted his eyes and met Cameron’s blue ones. Suddenly, his mouth was dry, even though he just took a sip of the wine. His tongue felt like sandpaper in his mouth. Why was she looking at him so intensely? What was she trying to communicate through these beautiful blue orbs? His eyebrows drew in confusion.

“Just ask, Joe.”

It downed on him, she wanted to be asked. Cameron left the decision in his hands, if he was to decide to meet her halfway. He could easily divert the conversation or he could ask straight away what both of them wanted to know.

He was an idiot, wasn’t he? He managed to escape from her grasp and finally put some order in his life. And yet, after three years without a single glance at her, he wanted nothing more than to ask the question and put the wheels into motion again. This sick, sick cycle of theirs had no end, and for that Joe was grateful. It was tearing up their souls and leaving them trembling in the night - completely destroyed but always asking for more. Their love was doomed…but just enough.

Licking his lips he opened his mouth and heard his voice breaking the silence in the quiet room.

**“Cameron?”**

**“Yes, Joe?”**

**“Why are you here?”**

**“You know why.”**

**“No, I don’t… Tell me.”**

**“…You… I came to see you.”**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos! They are always appreciated!!! ;)


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